lawbreakers are various and humanity. Among them, the most common one is sending them to jail. At the same time, doing some work and learning new skills is advisable for its economic and long-run development feature.
First of all, doing some job during the criminals' punishment term can relieve the financial burden on the government. As we all know, the resources which are used to look after offends come from taxpayers. However, if all the lawbreakers were sentenced to prison and don't need to work, the cost of their daily life is enormous. What's more, I don't think a normal person has the duty to afford their life after they commit a crime. Therefore, making some contribution to a community can be quoted as a fundamental path to gain the pay for their live.
Besides, for a subjective view, once a lawbreaker decides to be a qualified social member again, the first thing they have to learn is how to live on their own. Although there are still few criminals who are well-educated, the majority of them drop out of school because of poverty. In this term, learning a useful skill in jail offers them an opportunity to find a job and be reaccepted by society. Otherwise, if they cannot hunt a job after relieved, it is hard to get a sense of social belonging to them. Perhaps, a more serious crime would be conducted due to the unacceptance from society.
There are also o drawbacks of this statement, compared with the easiest penal way -ending up in the jail. For example, some felonies may escape away during the social service or courses. Considering this kind of problem, it is indubitable that the security and guardians should be strengthened when activities hold in the community. Nevertheless, this event only occurs accidentally, moreover a horde of solutions can solve it.
In conclusion, job and skills can provide the offenders a chance to alter their life, meanwhile if it works properly, the government can take advantages of this system to earn money. Therefore, these attempts should be encouraged
开头的一部分
Some people think that all the lawbreakers should be sent into the jail, while others believe that they should also be made to do some work or learn some skills in the community. What’s your opinion?
As our society pay more attention to human rights, then manners we treat lawbreakers are various and humanity. Among them, the most common one is sending them to jail. At the same time, doing some work and learning new skills is advisable for its economic and long-run development feature.
怎样才可以达到6分水准?我是结构问题还是句型词汇问题比较严重?
追答像上面讲的,你后面几段写得挺好,就是第一段不行,首尾两段写得不好会影响评分,尤其是第一段,第一印象嘛。
个人觉得是逻辑思维不是很清晰。像这类文章的开头你可以用 There is a controversial issue that whether....(引出题目所讲的现象)From my point of view, it is ....that 直接讲出你的观点。这样开头简洁明了,开门见山。
另外你改写的第一段用了must,最好不用太过于绝对的词,英语比较讲究用词的准确性,所以一般都很少用太过于绝对的词,平时聊天交流会用这类词来进行强调,但是写文章就比较少了。
另外你写了大概350字,是在限定时间内写的吗?如果是按照考试时间写的那还可以,如果不是那在考试时间你估计还写不出这样的文章来,所以动笔之前首先要捋清思路,看你的文章逻辑思维不是很强,没有比较明显的连接词,表递进关系或表明观点等等。你文中比较喜欢用 perhaps, for example来描述,其实举例子并不是代表支持论点的论据。
我一般每段就三句话,句子结构用好了其实不用写很多句话的,整理好结构思维比较重要。表原因123,一个原因一句,每句搭上从句来描述原因,其实写得好的话一句话就有三行了。
所以总的来说,你是逻辑思维结构的问题,看你文章的人会不太明白你要讲什么。继续改吧,6分不难的
开头这样改好一点了吗?
我认为这样开头完全可以达到6分以上。不过furthermore一定要引起单独的一句,不能像and一样放句子中间。如果你是自己修改的开头,你应该是有有冲击七分的潜力的,只是语法忘的比较厉害。巩固一下语法,钻研一下《8分范文万能模板》,奔7去吧。不是让你背模板哈,好好品位一下那些文章,会很有好处的
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