高手，能不能帮我看看我的英文自我介绍哪里需要修改的？

如题，请高手帮忙看看，哪里还需要修改和完善的，比如语法问题，各段落和各句的连接问题，用词和措辞问题等等。先谢谢了！
Good day everybody! It is really a great honor to have this opportunity to introduce myself here. I hope I can make a good impression on you.
My name is Zhang Bingjie. I was born in Xingjiang, a remote place where I spent my happy childhood. In 2000, I graduated from ABC University, majored in Chinese language and literature. Shortly after my graduation, I left my hometown and came to Shanghai. Thereafter, I started to live on my own and learned to face the social pressure alone.
10 years, only a drop in the ocean of human history, make me from an innocent girl to a mature and independent woman. In these years, I’ve worked in several companies with different bosses and different colleagues, started as an office clerk and became a top manager finally. The industries that I’ve engaged in ranging from advertizing, manufacture to logistics. The last two companies that I’ve worked for belongs to logistics industry. From 2005 to 2008, I served as General Manager’s assistant and later manager of management department in Shanghai ABC Company which is one of the most prestigious customs clearance agencies in Shanghai. During the time, I learned a great deal of knowledge in customs affairs. Based on these knowledge, A performance appraisal system for all level employees among the company had been designed and implemented. It turns out that the system is effective for improving work efficiency and quality. From 2008 to 2010, I worked as a project manager of logistics department in YN Ltd. There, my key tasks is to Supervise and control the whole process of logistics project, ranging from booking, picking up goods, ocean shipping/sea transportation, customs clearance, transportation by land or rail to final delivery. As a result, I got much practical experience of logistics operation. Moreover, during 2005 and 2008, I completed all the self-study courses on English language and literature in Shanghai International Studies University and got the second bachelor’s degree.
In 2010, I got a baby girl and then quit the job. Now, I am a happy mother and a satisfied wife. But I also need to have my own career. So, I’m here now.
Before I close, something I must say is, sometimes youth has nothing to do with age, because youth is a kind of mind-set and spirit. Often, ability has nothing to do with diploma, because ability increases in practice. I’m the one with positive attitude and rich experience. Please give my application materials a serious consideration and then give me a chance, I’m sure I will give you a surprise in return.
Thank you very much!

Good day everybody! It is really a great honor to have this opportunity to introduce myself here. I hope I can make a good impression on you. （好，没问题！）
My name is Zhang Bingjie. I was born in Xingjiang, a remote place where I spent my happy childhood. In 2000, I graduated from ABC University （最好加一个地点，应该是新疆吧，对照于后面的离开家乡）, majored in Chinese language and literature. Shortly after my graduation, I left my hometown and came to Shanghai. Thereafter, I started to live on my own and learned to face the social pressure alone. （好）
10 years, only a drop in the ocean of human history, make （用has turned，10年作为一个整体概念来讲的作为单数，强调结果用现在完成时较好，转变用turn更合适）me from an innocent girl to a mature and independent woman. In these years, I’ve worked in several companies with different bosses and different colleagues, started as an office clerk and became a top manager finally. The industries that I’ve engaged in ranging（缺谓语了，应该改成：range） from advertizing, manufacture（这个要改成manufacturing与广告的advertising保持一致） to logistics. The last two companies that I’ve worked for belongs（改成belong，2个公司是复数） to logistics industry. From 2005 to 2008, I served as General Manager’s assistant （要改成assistant to GM 总经理助理） and later manager of management department（管理部的经理？是行政经理吗？administrative manager） in Shanghai ABC Company which is one of the most prestigious customs clearance agencies in Shanghai. During the（改成that） time, I learned a great deal of knowledge in customs affairs. Based on these knowledge, a performance appraisal system for all level employees among the company had been designed and implemented（本句有问题，前面分词短语的主语是我，主句的主语是系统，不可以这么用，而且主句时态不对不需要用过去完成时，用一般过去时可以了）. It turns out that the system is（改成was） effective for improving work efficiency and quality. From 2008 to 2010, I worked as a project manager of logistics department in YN Ltd. There, my key tasks is（改成are） to supervise and control the whole process of logistics project, ranging from booking, picking up goods, ocean shipping/sea transportation, customs clearance, transportation by land or rail to final delivery. As a result, I got much practical experience of （在某方面的经验一般用介词in）logistics operation. Moreover, during 2005 and 2008, I completed all the self-study courses on English language and literature in Shanghai International Studies University and got the second bachelor’s degree.
In 2010, I got a baby girl and then quit the job. Now, I am a happy mother and a satisfied wife. （这里要加个原因用以过度，否则一下子说你突然需要自己的事业很奇怪。After 2 years' housewife life, I think it may be the time for me to resume my career, since no one can only depend upon others and a woman won't be really successful only with family life. 下一句取消）But I also need to have my own career. So, I’m here now.
Before I close（嘿嘿有一个很漂亮的结束语叫：Last but not the least，比这个好）, something I must say is（这里是something后面是sometimes又是nothing，建议改一下，I always bear that in mind 我一直记在心中), sometimes youth has nothing to do with age（改成the age of a person）, because youth is a kind of mind-set and spirit. Often, ability has nothing to do with diploma, because ability increases（建议用：can be accumulated 被积累） in practice. I’m （加：confident that I am我自信）the one with positive attitude and rich experience. Please give my application materials a serious consideration and then give me a chance. I’m sure I will give you a surprise in return.
Thank you very much!追问

非常感谢啊！以下问题麻烦帮忙解答下：
1. 确实是叫管理部经理,其实是综合管理部,包括人事部，行政部及业务数据统计部,不知道英文这样写好不好?
2. 其实我想说"基于这些知识，我设计出了一套全员考核系统并且主导实施",不知道这句话怎样说比较好呢?
3. 最后我只是想向对方强调一句话：“年轻不一定由年龄而定，能力也通常不是学历能给”，其实是希望对方记住这句话，呵呵，这样的话也用“I always bear that in mind ” 吗?

追答

1 Comprehensive Management Department 综合管理部，既然是管理部经理，就 in full charge of ...，不一定非得出现manager的，你后面反正也有。。经理的，这里少用一个不要紧
2 Based on these knowledge, I participated in designing and implementing a performance appraisal system for all level employees among the company. 不是你自己开发的系统，是参与开发吧？如果是你亲自设计则：
Based on these knowledge, I designed a performance appraisal system for all level employees and took a leading role in implementing it among the company .
3 我牢记并在此讲的目的就是让对方记住（你没有权让人家记住，只能影响人家）。把often要改掉，likewise（前面没用过的话用这个词，表示类似的，即：Likewise, ability has nothing to do with diploma either，加个either，也

追问

谢谢，谢谢！
Performance appraisal system其实是一套考核办法，是我自己设计的，并且按照这个办法给全公司员工进行考核。后来公司又根据这套考核的办法请软件公司做了一个系统，可以自动进行考核评分的，这是后话，在这里就没讲。。。这里用system是不是会引起歧义，让人认为是一个软件系统？应该怎么讲贴切呢？

追答

是，那就说design a scheme吧，scheme不太会被人误解为系统尤其是软件系统

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